"pushing people out my life,
that's like riding a bike."

reflection is the perfect word. when reminiscing, i am not turning around and facing my past. i am just facing a mirror, looking at myself in my present state, with the background filled with all of what i have left behind. there's something sad about that image. i want to feel good about it, though. pushing forward should feel good. but how can i feel good when my biggest motivation is to not be who i used to be?  my source of inspiration isn't future-focused, it's out of spite for who i was.

there are these lyrics in an omar apollo song i really like, "holding back feelings like it's the end of my life." that song is called "killing me".

there's also a song called "little death" by the beths that i believe may be the greatest song about love ever written. they compare being in love to dying a little. the chorus goes:

"And you say my name

My legs support a little less

My tongue becomes a little mess

My lips are longing to confess...

My lungs they catch on every breath

My heart beats harder at the cage inside my chest
I die, I die a little death"

anyways...

i'm starting to wonder if it's an issue that my favorite love songs imply the concept of death.

and what's worse... i truly deeply resonate with them.