consider this the sequel to “days of desperation”

while those pieces reflected my teenage years

this reflects the awkward years of 19 and 20

embracing adulthood and independence

but failing endlessly beyond repair

i am not mad about it though

it happens to everyone

thanks for reading

~ <3 ~

the convicted comma,

generational trauma.

will it end with me,

or keep pushing onwards?

could i cure the karma,

save sons and daughters?

and is it conviction,

when my heart is imprisoned?

what is breaking free,

forgoing commitment?

no more clouded vision,

goodbye, good riddance.

like two circles becoming a venn diagram

two entirely different worlds crossing paths

upon connection there is awkward hesitation

two worlds collide but how can they join?

perhaps by divine intervention, they overlap

ever so slightly at first, and its euphoric

confining each other into their commonalities

until discovery of their differences and duality

ignorance establishes a game of push and pull

yearning to share more, to become one entity

and yet still clenching onto individuality

the momentum pushes each world apart again

even the common ground feels far away now

and all that can be shared is the distance

as they watch each other fade away

two worlds hurt as one

I started mourning long before your soul left your body

It started when your body collapsed and held your soul captive

The hard part is I was mourning what I never experienced

Word of mouth painted this picture of your prime

What I experienced was someone who was surviving

Aunts and uncles gave me toys, you gave me coins and knives

Told me to hold onto them, even past your transcendence

You couldn’t depart before ensuring we were protected

The day of your funeral I didn’t cry

My path to acceptance started long before you died

It started the day I realized I never knew you

The real you

thankfully you’re not as compulsive as me

otherwise we’d be married in a heartbeat

it’s cliche to say; you take my breath away

how long before these feelings fade?

next to you i can’t even watch a movie

i pray for end credits before each new scene

between the cinematic deaths and kisses

i can’t choose which i’d rather be living

love is gross, love is pathetic

feels like hell, and yet you’re heaven

the angel of death deciding my fate

and either way i’ve gotten a taste

so as my heart attacks my chest

i pray to you to just let me rest

reckless group of kids put in a room

flirting and fighting; we were doomed

one track minds with conflicted hearts

how did it take so long to fall apart?

they came to my city, my beloved home

so immature in the way they roamed

but you didn’t come to enjoy the view

you came for me, your forbidden fruit

flashback to driving through a warzone

a familiarity that makes you feel alone

yet i never avoid it, never try to escape

i let things blow up with no complaints

three dreams play back in succession

trying to hammer in a common lesson

i no longer have trust in those i love

maybe with patience, i’ll have enough

never felt love ‘til i fell for it hard

now my chest has scars from protecting my heart

and i never felt pain ‘til i felt something strange

like my mind and my body couldn’t cooperate

and i never felt lost ‘til i fled from a god

the one they sing to at church or pray to at mosque

but i never felt bad ‘til i fed into you

your lies and deceits, in denial of truth

maybe it feels worse ‘cus its a reminder of me

or at the very least thats how i used to be

i know i’m imperfect, keep my skeletons in pockets

but you’re neglectful, throwing bones in the closet

“my own life”, i sang

“i just want my own life

if i follow you down the creek

who’s to care for those i leave

i just want my own life”

“my own life?”, i pondered

“do i not have my own life?

who am i following to the creek?

and is this place make believe?

why do i sing of my own life?”

“my own life”, i repeated

“i’ll try to live my own life

my subconscious must have leaked

for where else would i retrieve

this notion to live my own life”

i suppose it’s my fault

to have all of this love

but to be so unrooted

that it all just falls out

yet you took that for granted

led me to the earth

took it from beneath

and dug up the seed we planted

“your words, they really take me for a spin…

trying to rewind, and find where to even begin.”

“you’re coming undone, my son, where are you going with this?

took your time, just to realize that you’ve sunk into the abyss…

well i’ll fish you out, and give you something to miss…

the depth of your young troubles only scratch the surface”

“its just like my papa told me, don’t go around growing old!

its really not worth the while, or at least thats what i’ve been told…

your youthfulness is on fire, dont let that exuberance get cold…

the clockwork is in place to freeze your precious time down the road”

it’s with a heavy heart i do anything at all 

as it brought me to my knees so i could stall

to convince you this is where we needed to be

and maybe i’d be better by the time you agreed

i remember the days when tornado sirens blared

slept with my siblings in a closet, never scared

if it all went to shit, at least we knew

that we didn’t have to watch it too

you’re hot and cold, a destructive blend

for better or for worse this is starting to end

i’ll stop window shopping, i’ll retreat

and start taking the bitter with the sweet

truthfully, i think this is for the best

i was foolish, my heart had lost its head

because your love is like a guillotine

now i’m free, no longer on my knees

in a classroom, called out

and out zooms the fisheye lens

isn't that what it feels like?

as your world expands, they all come into frame

peers' eyes pierce through your periphery

those you ignored choose to recognize you

look forward, tune them out, shake the feeling

a suffocating sixth sense

your lungs feel heavier as it builds

something coming up through your throat

your body forcing you to respond

confirm your existence, they're all waiting

how will you sound?

what will you say?

are you one of them?

but all you want is to be on your own

so you leave your body and hide away

a rough acronym conveys a necessary affirmation

purge the old ideas of who you are and what you offer

eliminate the conventions created by the failures and oversights

form new expectations reflected only in yourself and your faith

embody the person you want to be, not the one you regret never being

Out Falls Every Wicked Idea Still There

you are no longer a home for them

another chapter ends.

as it closes, it casts a large shadow

over what remains.

there is a growing absence of light

hardly ever subtle.

accompanied by a brighter horizon

an exigent phenomenon.

most days arranged around it's descent

but never yielding.

it rises on the other side each morning

seeing what it missed.

exposing our darkest deeds for the world to see

and make better.