these words represent thoughts and feelings from my teenage years

i refer to this period of my life as the “days of desperation”

as you read you may find that fitting

most of these are written in reflection

i hope it reflects who i was, am now, and am trying to be

thanks for reading <3

i think my dreams contain a lot more death than they should

no longer believing death might feel better than dreams could

and i am only 4 maybe 5 years from that reality

heel bleeding one morning in the streets of ma’adi

because i really wanted to pull off a pair of shoes

the back ridge so sharp it threw my groove

and it was far more taxing since my earbuds gave in

music simulated the death and dreams i’d been saving

many mornings i would lose my footing in those fantasies

‘til i was within a foot of my gated academy

imposing its grounds as a pay-to-win utopia

exposing stress and a drug abuse to cope with it

never did grasp my peers’ drunken pride

sat quietly day dreaming until each day died

just a pale dumb boy drowning in the waters

telling myself i never really knew how to swim

so i would learn how to backstroke all over again

just to find myself being dragged down in the deep end

“believe me, there’s no use in testing the waters

settle on the shore, you’re not going anywhere”

said the anchor who promised they’d always be there

so instead of chasing the setting sun, i sat and stared

mother always warned me against playing in my jeans

but i was proud of the grass stained battle scars

intrigued by the blues submission to the greens

blue was always my sister’s favorite color

i gravitated towards red with competitive flair

and naturally green belonged to my little brother

destined to differentiate, he didn’t get to decide

but ironically my mother loves green on me

matches my skin tone, brings out my indecisive eyes

some time ago big blue really was all water

until the oceans were invaded by the land

and the efforts of its inhabitants got broader

green forced to comply with the creation of man

like small towns with expansive southern fields

or a crowded city engulfed in sand

now we’re full circle in the times most dire

ice thinning forearming the seas for war

overtaking shores, green caught in the crossfire

number one prophesied your arrival

and i prepared myself for a rival

but the idea of another girl grew on me

i left some room in my heart accordingly

and i’d throw my belongings in the creek

if i were told you’d come home in a week

just to make space for the newborn

even the paper memories with edges torn

the ones i was promised we would hang

but then the other side of the globe rang

still to this day i would lift you up

bring to you a blanket or sippy cup

because i promised i would protect you

but i guess its clear i won’t ever have to

years of waiting turned to years wasted

years when number three needed saving

far past the time number one moved on

and it was up to me to grow strong

not for you, number four

but for the four i foolishly ignored

i really like car windows

i would often look at their reflections

walking in the streets of cairo

there was always a car parked after the other

insecurities inspired my need to ensure

that i wasn’t walking into school looking dumb

car windows are just as nice from the inside

on road trips i apologize to my parents in advance

i will sing any and all songs from our queue

while staring out the window for hours

doesn’t speak well to my conversational abilities

i just love watching the world pass by

seeing where i’m headed

seeing where i’m coming from

not often can i be so aware as i view my life

not often can i be so prepared as it passes by

often it hits you when you’re not looking

belongings proven to bite me in the ass

belongings hidden within my backpack

belongings inciting investigation again

belongings i no longer give explanation

belongings i keep on me

… due to lost sense of belonging

why do we have to make noise?

to be heard

why do we have to be heard?

to be understood

why do we have to be understood?

to be together

why do we have to be together?

to make more noise

sure it came out harsh

better than not at all

kept telling truth in parts

im making the full withdrawal

you’ve said “don’t leave” before

and never made room for me to stay

kept making excuses out the door 

until admitting “i’m not okay”

in retrospect i just stood still

into the city streets, i watched you fade

eternity in my grasp, i watched it spill

for us two i believed in figure eight 

i followed the sun

i did what i was told

but now the day is done

how’d we get so cold?

desert smoke break

he fought the urge

made it halfway

lost the courage

held back after class

i sat down as instructed

watching a girl walk out

but before she could escape…

“are you on drugs?”

momentary shock

still watching the girl

she speeds up

gone.

“are. you. on. drugs?”

i shake my head

some moments later

“you’ll never graduate”

maybe not, we’ll see

school’s the least of my worries

i had it all figured out

in yet another manic bout

i feel the gravity leave me

as i’m manifesting, believing

i’m high in the sky, elated

masculinity deflated

and yet i transgress

lies build up in my chest

i needed this feeling

some delusional healing

had my head in the clouds

what goes up must come down

i decided to come out via message

so i type out and send my confession

“i’m gay”

“no you’re not”

“okay”

“that’s what they all say”

i sit at my screen stunned

sister looks over funny

betrayal begins

paranoia sets in

“how are you so sure?”

“so and so is gay”

“so and so is gay… so?”

“so i can tell you’re not”

so simple… so sophisticated

so i accepted without another second wasted

i am wandering wonderously

the aftermath of mistakes and misfortune

conceived by continuous, concentrated control

but the past is the past, the presents a playground

excluding expectation from exploration

just following faith for the future

i am going, going, gone

no regrets or rewind requests

simply submitting to selfhood

in order to open to others

directing my destined drive

for a lost yet lingering love